Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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