idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
