i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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