the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
