i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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