My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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