Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
