If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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