is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
