He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
