if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
