i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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