I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
