Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
