life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
