He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
