I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
