So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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