Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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