The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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