do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
