I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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