remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
