I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
