Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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