I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
