so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
