Me too!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
