I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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