Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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