I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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