Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
