Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
40s are totally the cure
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
