I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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