gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
