sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
