i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
