I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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