he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
