i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize