Your mouth is God's brothel.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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