Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
