it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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