my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
