i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
