no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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