my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
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We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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