My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
