i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
