On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
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I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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