If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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