I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
