I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
