So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
well you can't waste a boner
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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