please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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