Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
