im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
