If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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