her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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