I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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